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Jul 8

A.M.

22 comments

It's been a week or more since I had last seen a person. We were all up in that town with the summer camp. Something with "Ti" and some other letters I don't know. Our camp was finally attacked by those things and we all fled in different directions. I mean, I'm used to being alone, not like mum and dad were ever there. I ran with the backpack they told us to have at all times. So I have been looking at other summer camps that I find while walking through the towns, but haven't seen anyone. Wish I could just charge my phone somewhere. They said the military would come and save us, but only those things came.

 

So I ran into the hospital in God knows where and then there was this strange and scary man with a million guns. He told me to put my hands up, I panicked. He sounded like he was on drugs, he was twitching, nervous and was talking about how I should have a gun because of the people, that there's bad people out there. He was looking for antibiotics but I think he was probably looking for other drugs. His name was Bob or Bill, can't remember. He said something about coming here to look for his father, then look for his mother, then meeting some Russian dude and living South. Oh yeah and that if I had a radio I could reach him on 94.6. Man, that guy was nuts, he kept trying to give me guns and just said something about optics and lining up shit. I mean, I have never really handled guns I don't even know a quarter of what he said, might as well have spoken Russian. He was warning me of people who eat other people, like, not some of those dead ones. I think he was probably on bath salts himself. He asked me if I had a radio, when I said no he became all paranoid and started running around me like a headless chicken "I don't like this, this doesn't feel alright" - yeah no shitting, tripping man. He also said something about a man living in a cabin or something.

 

On the bright side, I'm so glad I took the can opener from the kitchen before we fled. There's still plenty of cans around, I keep finding them in houses.

 

I should just avoid people, especially people with that many guns.

Jul 11

My teachers were right, stay away from people.

 

I was only making friends with Li or Lee or however you write his name and along come Bill and Boris and hold guns to my head again. I thought I was gonna die there! Bill shot a lady! She was alright in the end but he had shot her in the leg badly. This guy is absolutely nuts. And then they forced us to come with them to their base. Looked like a labor camp honestly. Or prison.

 

Lee is looking for his brother Yip, he is in prison for selling fake clothes. I think Lee said he was a clothes salesman before all of this.

 

But back to the crazy guys: they let me go in the end. Not sure if Lee and Sasha made it, but I can't help them. Time to go hiding.

Jul 15

So I met a man named John, he says he is some sort of government official and was there when it all happened. He said it wasn't supposed to go off here and that it was warfare, not sure if chemical or biological. He also said we can eat the animals as long as they are not bitten. He needs to go to Tisy to find more antidote. He received some, that is why he's not sick. But he couldn't disclose more info. Next day he was gone.

Then I met Sasha in Kabanino again, she seems to be doing better and they let her go! Thank god.

Then I saw a smoking man hack away at some fences. He was in Kabanino, maybe I got that wrong from Bill, maybe it wasn't a man in a cabin but in Kabanino. I was just dropping some cigarettes and a pack on the floor, bleagh, they're not for me, it smells ugly. Then I heard someone hammering or hacking and ran for the treeline. Out comes this man, smoking, with big guns and an even bigger backpack. Makes them look like turtles, ha! But after the experience with Bill and Boris I didn't want to say hi. Military men scare me. They put guns in my face and then they only tell me that it's a wonder I'm still here and alive....

He didn't see me and drove off towards that military place near Kabanino.

 

Next day I heard a lot of shots from Stary and Kabanino, then a lot of people were driving by. I was fearing it was Bill, so I ran a bit south. Near a big tower, looks like a big radio antenna. There's also a crashed plane. Someone lives up the antenna, or lived - there's many of those dead things around.

 

When I climbed on that crashed plane, another man surprised me. His name is Freddy and he has like...a million guns on him! He looks like something out of Hot Fuzz.

 

Despite him looking like military personnel, he isn't. And he's nice. He even gave me some night vision glasses that blind me in daylight though. I left them at the other person's house at the antenna, I couldn't figure out how to deal with them. He told me where he lives and that I could come visit at some point. I might!

 

Other than that I have seen a lot of traffic on the streets around the antenna. There are definitely more people living there. I am torn between trying to see who lives in that area and being scared of bad people. It's a gamble.

 

I don't know what to do anymore. I had always been protected, had always had everything given to me, but since our camp got overrun by these things I have had to get things on my own. It's not like mum and dad ever cared what I did, or the teachers in the boarding school. The ones that came to the camp with all of us were great however. They taught us how to make tents, make fire, how to tend to garden plots. But they've never given us guns or told us how to use them. I have gotten pretty good a slicing those dead things up though.

 

Oh god, that reminds me. John said that we turn into these things...and that he thinks that it can be reversed. Am I a murderer? Will I have to go to prison then? But THEY attack US!

Jul 16Edited: Jul 16

People keep telling that the worst in these times are other people. I don't agree, I think we are our own worst enemy.

 

Everybody tells me that it's a surprise I survived that long. Maybe they're right. I haven't really done anything that proves I'm worth it.

I mean, everybody around me is so much older. All the stuff I know they probably have known for years. Making some temporary tents, making fire, basic scout stuff. Ehhhh...they all lived that long, I have nothing to add to their lives that could be of value. This makes me feel so useless. Time to change that, I can't just sit on my lazy bum, eating canned peaches and drinking soda. I need to learn how to do things, how to be a valuable member of society. Or whatever is left of it. Whatever it may take, I don't wanna be alone anymore.

 

I met Freddy again, he always seems to find me at the plane. We were talking and some people were passing us, by car and on foot. Freddy took me up to the needle (this is how I call the antenna building now) and then he followed that person into the woods. Later it turned out that it was Billy. He wears one of those gas masks. But hey, I lost Freddy in the woods, that was scary. And then I went back to the needle and there were so many dead things, but I'm getting good with my knife.

 

The sad thing is, I don't fear them anymore. And then I think about what John said to me. I have to stop dehumanizing them. One of these days I might meet someone who is standing in front of one of those dead things and it's his neighbour ... or love of his life.

 

Oh yeah and we met Skinner in Stary. He knew about me from Bill and Boris, that was scary. He was laughing when he heard my name and kept laughing at the things I said. But at the same time he seemed concerned about where I stay and how I survive. He seems to know what he wants and what he doesn't want, seems strict...but fair. He even invited me to his home to stay safe but ewwww creepy! I just met you dude, chill!

*giggles*

Haha, who am I kidding. I have slept in shoddy beds -if at all- ever since our camp got overrun. I would have loved to go somewhere safe. But where is safe? Who is good and who is bad? Who can I really trust? According to Skinner that would be Freddy. I think he called him good people.

 

I wanna trust people, but it's been difficult. The first person I met after I had been on the run for a bit was Bill and he put a gun to my face.

Jul 19

Mhh I wrote to Mr Lee and Mr Freddy wrote to me. So I waited at the plane forever, with items for both of them but no one came. Hope they are ok

Then I went back to my place. Sir mister Skinner showed me how to build some walls. He doesn't like it when I call him that, but it's how I was raised! While he got some planks for me, I dug in the poles. I must have dug and re-dug them a million times, but now they are completely straight! OCD satisfied.

I don't know why he's so helpful when I'm that useless to him. He was just laughing it off as if I didn't understand there was a clear reasoning. He also taught me to use and maintain a pistol. I haven't really shot yet though, it was dark and I didn't want to shoot sir....sorry Skinner in the foot or something.

 

Hey! At least I can show off my skills to ....Freddy now (see I can hold back on the sirs and misters). I hope he's alright.

 

I can dance with the dead ones! They reach for me but they don't hurt me, I can go a long way like this. The problem is if you stand still when there are multiple dead ones. They will circle you so you cannot move anymore, that's when you get hurt. Just gotta keep moving, preferably backwards. Don't turn your back on them! I have also figured out how to trap them, but sometimes the doors are too rusty and they don't work. They seem to rage more when you run away from them, also when they chase an animal or a car. They get very aggressive. It's better to find a safe place then.

 

I made the mistake of observing them as they were chasing sheep. I laughed a little and then they killed the animal and immediately came for me. Superfast too. I was lucky I was near a building. I lay on the floor hoping that they would stop screaming ... and they did after 2 or 3 minutes!

 

They are very fascinating. I'm sad we have to kill them because they would kill us otherwise.

 

Jul 22

Who would do something like that? They were all right about this. People are more dangerous than the dead things.

 

I don't really know who to trust, I had to take a leap of faith with Freddy, but maybe it's him. There's still a lot I want to do and experience before I have to go! I don't know who I pissed off that badly :( maybe they just wanted the house, they can have it.

 

I can only think of Sasha or Lee. Maybe because they thought I abandoned them. But I couldn't have helped them, I'm just a girl. Or maybe it's Boris and Bill...to prove their point about protection. Anyways, I'm outta there.

Jul 30

Things are getting silent again. I met Ricky up at Green Mountain, Freddy and Skinner were also there. I told Ricky I was coming by every now and then to look for these green nets, he said I could come by and have a look anytime. Well, low and behold I went by there yesterday and the whole place is walled in now. So much for that. But hey, he was there and actually had a spare one and gave it to me.

Skinner was angry at me for not leaving a note when I left my place - I apologized. I'm really not used to people wondering about your welfare. I went back to my place in Kabanino but my tents were gone, ugh, guess the wind blew them away. Then I saw someone building up there. Turns out it was Skinner - brought him some things since he's starting up something.

Also went by Lee's place and built up some walls....wonder if he'll notice - I saw him running through the town and when I went inside he was sleeping on the floor. I said his name softly but he didn't wake, so I left again. To be fair I look different to what I looked like before. I am now carrying Skinner's and Freddy's guns and...well I ditched my backpack.

 

I talked to Skinner last night, asked him if he had seen Freddy. Went by his place before, left him a little present - an all white cap that will fit with his shoes! - but never saw him. Skinner said he hadn't seen him or heard from him either. That concerned me. Went by there again last night and everything was in chaos! And there was a strange note on his gate. I hope he's still alive.

 

Went back to my place finally after a couple of days of not being there and found another note..from Freddy! He seems to want to talk to me and is moving to Skinner's place. I hope this note happened after what I saw in his place...otherwise I fear that didn't look to good. Guess there's only one way to find out. Go to Skinner's place, see if Freddy is there. Maybe I can show off my skills with the gun he gave me. I have practiced a lot since we last met. Shooting from the wing of the plane. Really got rid of a lot of walkers where he was, now there aren't that many anymore.

Aug 4Edited: Aug 5

Well, I moved in to Kabanino and I want to start a food shop. Skinner went to get some fish traps with me and then we went fishing together - that was so much fun! I wish that day had never ended. I was always suspicious why someone like him would help me or even talk to me. Then something sloppily said made everything clear. I feel much safer around him now that I know.

Both him and Freddy are so nice to me, I should be less of a brat...I just can't help it. I get nervous. Nobody has ever spent that much time with me. And I just always fear that they will just dismiss me for my age or for not knowing as much or...I don't know. That they just don't like me anymore. I like them very much. I look up to them. They both said they're no good, they've done bad things in the past, but they both have a heart bigger than the biggest building in this country. I told Freddy that one day this might be his downfall, but he said he knows when to be a badass. OK, he didn't say it like that, but that's what he meant. I don't want to lose either of them, they're both like the family I never had. Fathers, big brothers, anyone really who cares about me, teaches me things, having fun out fishing. I want to learn more, be useful for them. I really want to show how much I appreciate them, but I only end up being awkward *sigh*.

 

So many things happened since last time, first Boris showed up in Kabanino. He had crashed his car into a lamp post and then he talked to Freddy for a long time. Then 1 or 2 days later, Skinner and myself were driving through Novy when we heard some shots and saw a lot of walkers in front of the piano house. It was Bill, but he was acting more paranoid than ever. Skinner took him to Kabanino nonetheless. I wasn't too fond of it. Then an old ex cop / detective with an ankle bite showed up, Butch is his name, and Bill wanted to get rid of him - or he tried to get me to get rid of him. He kept telling me "do you know what happens after you're bitten? You know what you need to do". Then Skinner let off one of his shots and Bill went crazy. Took his gun in his hands and ran for cover. Then Ricky was there at the wrong time in the wrong place as he was strolling down the street in Kabanino and Bill just pointed his gun at him. But he calmed down. Then later he pointed his gun at Butch and even shot ( he didn't hit him ). I don't know what's going on with him, but being alone is not good for him, but also being with people is not good for him. I think he's a lost cause and it's only gonna end in bloodshed :(

Well, that day Sasha also showed up. Glad to see she is recovering well. I don't think she likes me very much - or anyone for that matter. She seems a bit bitter. But then again sometimes she's very sweet. Don't know what happened to her that made her like that.

 

Before Skinner taught me how to drive, I was running a lot and I found a lot of evidence of people living in places. I showed Skinner but we didn't see anyone. That was on the day we went fishing. That was a good day.

Well fuck...why me? I knew it was too good to be true. Now I have to watch where I'm going, I'll have to sneak around and everyone tells me it's because I'm the weakest link. Makes me wanna go back to my old place and leave them alone. My teachers were so right..."just stay away from people". People are the worst. All the guns we have to carry, we don't carry them for the dead ones. We carry them for the ones that are alive. Yet.

 

I asked Freddy about that, about having to kill a living human being. I don't think I could do that. I'm already struggling with the dead things after what John said. Freddy kind of evaded my question - not so much evaded actually, he did answer, but it's all very hazy.

 

I was still optimistic in the beginning. Skinner once said it: it's all bark no bite, but the observing and then the flashbang show otherwise. I feel like a nuisance, useless, might as well go back to live where I lived, away from people. So I am not a bother for them

I hear them talking about me like I'm some sort of prize goat that needs protection from the big bad wolf. It hurts like hell and they don't consider how I feel about this. All my instincts tell me to go back to my place, live away from people. Military people telling me they're going to try to capture someone but if necessary will use lethal force.... I didn't sign up for that. I am not ready for that.

 

I can't just go without leaving a note for Freddy and Skinner though. Not sure how I'm going to break it to them, I don't think I can face them for this. But they will probably put it down to "teenage angst", they don't understand how it is for me though. I have been put down all my life. Not good enough for this, not old enough for that, you're useless, you're a waste of space. Sorry for breathing and existing, dudes. Yesterday they were talking about my "freedom" as if it was just a joke to them. "Keep her locked up, are ya Skinner?!"

Aug 11

So a lot of shit happened again, some dude, Lucifer Morningstar, showed up and asked weird questions while I was alone in town...and then Conway and that stupid Sasha butt in. Like, she questions everything I say or do, her life must be extremely shitty and boring if that is her only concern these days. I don't like her, I don't trust her, she is two faced and an opportunist. I heard the radio conversations...and to think I was concerned for her. Back in the days people like her maybe got to some places, but then it all crumbled and they were never happy. Joke's on you, old hag.

 

I was excited to see Freddy and Skinner again actually! But Skinner wasn't happy that I was happy. He was very grumpy. Well, that might also be because I made fun of his name. I should really learn how to filter some of the things I want to say and just not say them. But he was different, a lot of people seem to only care about themselves, so did he. All but Freddy, Freddy is a good person. I like him very much, I wanna be like him!

 

This whole thing with Bill is doing my head in. Glad to have heard everyone still talking at the end. Typical, I wait all night and when I leave town, they show up immediately. But it's probably good I missed all of that. I would have probably been running my mouth and that would have escalated everything. Well, now I've got all the time in the world to think about things. It's gonna be saddening but whatevs...not that I'm not used to being alone or being deceived by people I thought were nice and they turn out to be dickwads...looking right at you Sasha.

Aug 15

Had a heart to heart with Skinner the other day. It was just too perfect, same age, similar name. But his reasoning made everything clear. I should be offended, but I'm not. I'm just a proxy, yet I feel more cared for than I ever felt in my life before. It's hard to accept that two very different and actually rougher men like Freddy and Skinner would behave like that. They're teaching me a lot and I'm eager to learn. Even if this doesn't last long, I'm eternally grateful.

 

I need to learn how to chill, being so hyper and always running my mouth will get me into trouble with these people. I realize it's not the same as before anymore, before all of this happened, but I sometimes can't fight my nature...my nervousness. Some of these people are military men that take no shit from a little brat like me. I can't just be like I was before, can't....this has to stop.

 

Skinner thought I had a masterplan too. But truth is, I mostly wanted to be perfect for them. So that they like me. All my instincts were telling me to go back, but Freddy told me to stay away, so I stayed away. I don't think Skinner believed me fully. I didn't want them to worry about me and be able to focus. Growing up is about learning how to deal with sacrifices apparently. It was not the time and not my place to put up a stink when he said "don't come back". God knows I wanted to be right in the middle of it all, I'm so nosy, I want to study their behavior, but no...Freddy said no. What him or Skinner say are reasonable things and requests usually.

 

Look at me talking about growing up, sacrifices and someone being reasonable. They can't ever know about this one or they'll never leave me alone with this haha!

Aug 23

 

I really shouldn't drive. I feel funny. Oh look, stars! Oh wait...is this a dream? Oh fudge, right. I had an accident....again. Is this it? Am I dead? What is going on? Why is Freddy crying and laughing at the same time? Somebody hear me? HELLOOOOO RIGHT HERE! I am thirsty. So thirsty. Also, for my audiences note: I hate cars. Cars are the devil. Haha. And the devil is in Kabanino! I feel sleepy, so sleepy, I just wanna close my eyes. Oh what's that strawberry jam doing on my forehead...I don't remember eating jam. Mhhh jam... *passes out*

Ally as she is hallucinating at Freddy's after a couple of morphine shots, bandages around her head, bleeding a bit through the bandages and probably a hefty concussion.

Aug 25Edited: Aug 25

I had another flashback, slowly I'm getting all my memory back. It's weird, some things stuck with me from the beginning, others didn't.

I was 16 1/2 when I had to kill someone. Freddy said to me it was a mercy killing, but in the end does it really matter? It was Steffany, the girl a class above me. Gold locked Steffany with her fancy name and her exclusive entourage. They weren't much help to you then, eh? At least I could defend myself with my knife, meanwhile Steffany got herself bitten. I lied to John about never having seen anybody "turn" into one of them. It was brutal. She was sweating, gargling noises, her hand had turned violet and black, her iris started to loose that beautiful light blue and turned into a milky white. She wasn't herself anymore when it happened. It was like a scene out of the exorcist.

 

Our last remaining prof or supervisor was God knows where, probably getting drunk again. I heard a ruckus from their camping hut. Nothing new, they were always partying and being obnoxious and loud. But this time it sounded panicky. Sleep-drunk I walked over to their hut, angrily opening the door. They all looked at me with eyes wide open and then looked down to Steffany. Jason was keeping her arms down, out of her throat only gargled noises. She was a goner. The biology-ethics prof Dr. Summers always told us what to do. Put the knife to the temple and pierce through it with force and DON'T GET BITTEN IN THE PROCESS. I sighed and pulled the knife out of my boots. I kneeled down next to her head. Everyone around me was yelling at me, at her, pulling my shoulders back. When I did it, it all slowed down around me. It was harder than I though it would be, I needed quite some force. But then there was silence. I pulled my knife out, closed her eyelids (after making sure she was gone and couldn't bite me) and walked out of the hut to wash myself and the blade. I caught a glimpse of Jason's arm, with the huge gash on the side, bleeding heavily. I knew what that meant. "You better take care of that, pretty boy". I know he wanted to give me shit for running my mouth, but they all were too shocked at what had happened. Who cares, I knew he'd be gone soon as well. I cleaned up and packed my emergency stuff in a backpack, just in case.

 

That night it was like someone had emptied the garbage can, I felt empty, no more of those harbored emotions and sentences that people were saying to me. Well emotions is saying too much already. Not my emotions, other people's emotions mostly that I was capturing.

 

Well, we lasted about 3 more months up there before we got overrun from the outside and the inside. Good thing I had my emergency backpack.

 

Now with Freddy and Skinner, I am starting to see what people were talking about back then. I really like them, when they're not there, I feel something, like I'm missing being around them. I mostly feel loyal to them.

 

Yeah, like a garbage can being emptied. All that nasty stuff just gone, ready to be filled again. Empty.

Aug 31Edited: Sep 1

He doubted me. After all of this he doubted me.

 

And then that awkward silence in Kab between us three and now the absence. I left them some stuff but I don't think they noticed all of it. I get the hint. Time to move on. And moved on I did.

 

Learned quite some stuff from Tony and Mac - including some news. Someone hiding in the middle of the forest, I think I might stay around there and pay them a visit.

What a couple of "meh" days.

 

Keep running into Boris who is playing down our first encounter as nothing. I play nice, but I don't trust him one bit. And it's really creepy...I sleep in a house in Kab, wake up, turn around and there he is. I run to Freddy's and BigMac's place, there he is. Drive back to Kab with a new car, there he is filling up at the well. Coming the other way in Rogovo.....crossing paths again on the way to Kab. He's not following me, but boy, fate is playing a cruel trick on me. MEH

 

Got a note from Freddy, saw his place in Kab starting to be stripped down. Tried to meet him in both places, no luck. I hope he's alright. But most likely he's just on one of his "Northern runs" again. MEH

 

And then there's Skinner. That's a whole lotta MEH I need to digest. I mean, I always suspected it, even talked to Freddy about it when I moved places again. But knowing for sure now is a different kind of beast. I thought I had just finished dealing with what we had gone through recently...and now this.

 

Behavioral studies have shown me that mankind is their own worst enemy on many levels. The worst is in times we aren't under pressure or in a dangerous situation, no, it's when everything is seemingly "alright". That's when people start playing mind tricks on others. When they hurt them. When they ploy behind other people's backs, when mankind is the most destructive. War is really just the climax of it all. And war never really touches the instigators, they make other people fight for them. We used to say "politics!" but can you really say this nowadays?

 

Trust. Can't really trust anyone but yourself. Can't rely on anyone but yourself. Even weapons can fail you.

I'll have to train my alertness and skills a bit further. The status quo is not desirable.

 

Go back into my study work. Concentrate on that.

Sep 11

I'm thinking about Mr Lee a lot. He was the first person I met after a long time of being alone. He was kind and genuine. Shortly afterwards this was all soured by another interaction with other people. It really seems to be a gamble nowadays, when will it be the last gamble though?

 

Obsessive ambition, greed, deception, ...looking at all of this and then at Darwin's Origin of Species..I can't help but think that we're still not over the "apocalypse" but right in the middle of it. I'm unsure whether it's good to be "in the game" or to stay as far away as possible. How do you choose sides? How do you know which side will come out victorious? At the end we all just want to survive.

 

I've been too kind in the past. People have kicked me when I was on the ground (figuratively), but time after time I've helped them when they needed it. I wanted to please everyone, so that some person eventually would value me, appreciate me and just treat me like a normal human being. That day never came. I'm still trying to be useful so that one day I can say "these people will miss me when I'm gone". Make an impact.

 

Isn't it ironic that our lives evolve around how people will think of us when we're dead?

Maybe that's just me.

 

 

Another entry is a ripped out page from a biology book, with these lines written below:

 

Nurturing, seeding. No fertilizer can speed it up, but make it better. How much are you willing to give into this?

 

Sep 23

Have I really changed that much? I must have. I look at my place and think back to the time before Skinner and Freddy. I would have never been able to do this, if not for them. I should be grateful.

But I'm kinda not. Life was easier when I didn't care about people, events etc. I never really had it rough either. Whatever I wanted, we had. I forgot to listen to what I really want. People still want to give me stuff and I'm just not interested in it.

I don't know how to process how people react around me either. I mean, I still don't know what the hell Skinner was on when he did the thing with the crates. He said he DIDN'T do the other thing at Freddy's but what can you really believe now, ey?

 

I told Freddy about the fact that Skinner did what he did, he seemed confused. It didn't make sense to him either.

What I didn't tell him is that I know more about what Skinner wants to do or is doing.

 

What I also didn't tell him is what I found when I made my way to Elektro. My car broke down in Gorka, wrapped it around a tree. Since I knew Freddy had been cleaning the Northern road, I figured there'd be nothing there. So I made my way to Elektro, aiming towards the military site near the summer camp there. To my surprise I found something that I probably shouldn't have found. I could only take a guess whose stuff it is. But, as long as I don't know for sure and what to do with it, I'm going to keep that knowledge to myself. Who knows what it's good for. Knowledge is power, as always.

 

This reminds me, I should go back to just running around instead of driving. You find so much stuff when you don't have a blinkered view.

 

Also, Freddy keeps telling me about this Naomi. She certainly doesn't sound as "pleasant" as her name is (pleasantness, see what I did there? Ugh, who am I even talking to, nobody's ever gonna read this). Anywhoooo, she sounds more like a bi...t of a difficult person. Plus Freddy always seems to be getting caught by her with his pants down. Maybe he's got the hots for her and is letting himself be caught. God, I hope he doesn't bring her to my place. His place, fine, even though it's too close for my comfort zone, but I don't wanna deal with her. I hope I don't run into her, sounds like my mouth and her mood would not work out well.

 

Actually all the "bad" stories that Freddy tells me always have something to do with women, Anna, Naomi, Amanda,... I think he might be a bit of a closet gigolo (or women might the bane of his very existence, but hey! Not my problem ha!). I should really pick up my studies again, but it feels wrong to analyze a friend.

 

It's funny to me how some people trust quickly, but don't make it seem like it, while others have a hard time trusting but everyone thinks they're trusting and naive. And the manipulation, the playing with minds. One could think mankind is bored and we don't have anything else to worry about other than making each others' lives harder.

 

Let them think I'm stupid and naive. We'll talk about that again when I'm standing over their graves.

Oct 20

 

 

They have spread. Novy last night, the church was lit up. Repent everywhere. It has begun.

Oct 21

FUCK yes, I said it. FUCKEDY FUCK FUCK. I had a plan to "decorate" those churches and chapels around us so those emissaries think they've already been through that area and don't look further. I've even closed up some churches, locked them.

 

Why am I afraid of them? Because Skinner was. And because there's something I haven't told Freddy and I believe the emissaries might have gotten more info from Skinner than they are revealing. Skinner wasn't the middle man, Skinner hid a crate. And I know where that crate is. Those emissaries want to destroy it, I've read it on their posters. Did they....purge Skinner too? I need to know, but I also can't get close to them.

 

Freddy was right, Skinner wasn't the type to run away. But he hasn't seem him on the last couple of days he was there. He was concerned, very concerned. I had never seen him like that before.

 

I had such a good plan...and someone is majorly manipulating this into the other direction. What was supposed to be "oh we've already gone through this" is now a breadcrumb path leading to where we live.

 

I found the banana car in the middle of the field. The chapel on the hill was lit up by the campfire, the car just down the hill, lights on. Pointing towards my location. I yelled out for Freddy, but only heard a lot of distant shots in Berezhki probably. It sounded like he was going off on a horde. So I drove the car to his compound and walked back to mine for the night. When I woke up, the car was in front of my house, stripped apart, no radiator, no battery, no spark plug. It said BYE <3 in it. And I read the note.

 

I am not sure what to think of this. The breadcrumb path, the car pointing in my direction. Is he leading the emissaries to me? Is he actually trying to get me killed? Is this a test?

 

Yes I got angry at him at Novo church, but I couldn't tell him I knew things. Why I already got angry at him for talking to Boris again when I had moved to my current place. I didn't want any of them to find me. I know about things they want - and they're both not kind takers.

 

Crusaders, enforcers, Boris.

 

Fuck, Freddy, why have you forsaken me? This is Sasha's curse. In the end, she was hiding from everybody ... and still got killed. might be my turn now. See you soon in hell Sasha.

Oct 28

I think they've all gone mad. Must be the water around Stary or something. People thinking they're demons, satan... religious fanatics all together. "BP" everywhere I go. I saw it first at green mountain I believe, or was it in Novy summer camp? Can't recall. First the sinner, red, repent, now BP (or BPI). What is BP? Black prophet? Bastard pigs? Boris Pussyboots? If it's "black prophet" I'm just gonna try to reach the border. They can prophesize each other's butts and kill each other off for their own shitty overlord. I don't want any of that. At this point I'm not sure who's copying who and for what reason, but they can all go suck a lemon! Preying on the weak-minded, shame on them! They're all not better than what they are condemning.

 

I know Deacon has an ulterior motive, but the talks with him have actually been eye-opening for me. When I didn't care about anyone else, life was easier. When I didn't know how to handle a gun, I was smarter, avoided the dead ones and life was easier. The gun isn't the problem, it's people. People kill people.

I used to hear Freddy shoot near his compound, that will certainly attract unwanted people at some point. What a doofus. I know he likes his guns, but shooting near your place is just....short sighted, to say it diplomatically.

But Deacon said Freddy needs me more than I need him. He might be right after what Freddy told me. We are both kind of lost. Freddy apparently told Deacon that he told someone something that he didn't expect to ever tell anyone. I think that was me. And I felt sorry for him, for what I've heard. That sounds bad, I don't mean it like that. After all it made him who he is today and it made me understand why he reacted so harshly when Deacon came around and now with everyone else being so fanatic/crazy. It also made me realize why he ran off, why he reacts a certain way sometimes. I'll go look for him at his quiet place, see how he's getting along. Good lord, I sound like a clucking hen, total role reversal. I think at this point age only matters when it comes to experience, but not when we need to take care of our mental health. I should really give Freddy less shit. And I should stop manipulating him. Because that's what I'm doing, even though it's subconsciously. At the end of the day when I sit down and reflect, I hate myself for what I'm doing.

 

And where did I get this potty mouth? Freddy for sure isn't swearing as much as I'm doing it right now, Skinner wasn't either. I'm really not myself now. Also this whole babbling, rambling, talking talking talking...this is not me. I guess it happened when I realized that people were actually listening to me. I'll miss that, but I hate what it has done to me. What it has turned me into. The guns, the dark clothing, wanting to do bad things, being loud, being cheeky,...that's not me. I need to get back to being me. Rewind. Rewind until before I met Lee and Sasha. Be me again, alone, start studying.

New Posts
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