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Mar 24

The Chernarus chapter ctd.


If Ben and Emily taught me something, it's that you can't just leave your past behind.


I saw things with my own eyes today. You could cut the air with a knife. Do they think I'm stupid? The question is, should I stay and fight or should I bring out Raven? I have been harboring that thought for quite some time now, not sure if Joe has gone through my barrel at Vish, but he would be shocked. Or anyone that knows me.


Toro is my past, so is Hank, Rebel, Kane, Charlie, Selina, Robert, Amy, the doctors... too many lives this thing has taken, some deserved, others not.

Mar 25




"Hello Raven, it's been some time. I'm sorry I kept you under control, but you had no heart, you didn't really live. I had to experience what it's like to love again. Yeah I know I failed, I got hurt many times, but it was worth the experience! I don't regret it."


"You really think so, you silly goose? Didn't Hank warn you EXACTLY of that? You became weak, people died. How many people died from your family before all this, huh? Yeah that's right. Nobody.


You don't need love or be loved, you need to survive. Feelings and compassion are rubbish. Why are you giving up your services and your knowledge for free? You really want to help useless people? Help the ones that are useful, but don't whore yourself out to everybody. Let Darwin take care of the weak and useless.


I mean look at you, as soon as you were doing somewhat alright and thought to yourself to turn your life around, he left you for another 'case'. That's what you are. Another soul that seemed to need help. You know what we used to call that? "Helper syndrome" - he used you to divert from his own problems.

Remember when he told you "it seems that you don't want to stay?" when you yourself thought everything was alright for you and you were content? He either wanted you gone or wanted you to have problems again so he could psychoanalyze you. Wake up, it was all just something you wanted for yourself, that someone takes care of you. But in the end, he was just controlling you.


Maybe Hank was trying to teach you a lesson - and you failed miserably. What if he had actually killed him? Would you have let him live?


You want feelings, right? It's time you harbor the feelings from after Toro, when you first met Naomi and Hank. It did feel so good to finally get your revenge on Toro, free yourself from his control, leave him to his fate. You enjoyed his screams, didn't you? You enjoyed the little fearful voices singing in dresses, their humiliation was your retribution for the years of suffering...."

"Just....shut it Raven. You told Joe he is castling himself in, what about yourself? You're hiding behind humiliation of others and violence, just to protect yourself. You're no better..."

"...and you were an open book and still got hurt. You know what? Your physical scars aren't even the worst. You've accumulated more psychological scars recently than when you were with Toro. All the people you cared about? Dead, missing or cheating on you..."

"Not Emily"

"Great. One person. Congratulations! Now how about all those scars? Amy, Robert, Hank, Kane, Charlie, Amy/Rebel,... do I need to continue? How was it like, visiting their graves when you wandered off not telling anyone where you went? How did you feel like? Oh that's right, you still felt like a monster, but worse. You were 'good' but they still died as opposed to not giving a damn and people dying.


Time to rethink your priorities, chica. Because you can't go on like this. It will kill you. You know I'm right, you know Naomi was right. Go lick your wounds in the corner, it's time I lead us into a better world again.

Mar 27


"Let me out!"

Raven gets back to her place and sits down next to the campfire. The note in her hand, tempted to throw it into the fire.


"NO, don't"

"Shut up Lucy, it's not the time to be weak and whiny. You had your time, you fucked it up. I also didn't appreciate you trying to come out when I talked to him, putting your hand on the safety when I could have shot him. It just made me look weak..."

"You're not strong, you were never strong. You always just pretended. It's all just a facade to protect yourself. It wasn't you who stabbed Toro, it was me, remember Raven? You were just standing there, paralyzed like a deer in the headlights. I freed myself from his control. If it were for you, we would still be under his control.


I would always put my hand on the safety, even if it were just you and Sarah all alone. You can't imprison me like you did before. You will realize that Joe tore down a lot of the barriers that you built up. You say I failed, I fucked up. Yeah, I got hurt, but so much more happened. I was able to be myself - and have your strength at the same time. And you know I will look for him and *I* will talk to him this time!"


Raven lowers her head, tries to hold back tears and folds up the note nicely and puts it in her pocket.

"We are born alone, we live alone, we die alone, Lucy"

Apr 10

“If you leave now, you’ll always be alone”


History repeats itself. My father’s last words to me when I left home and slammed the door in my parent’s faces. I slammed the door again, this time on Joe.


Maria and Julio Velasquez. Both born into the middle class, both very religious. I was never like that. Sunday church was just something I had to get through. I had no objective in life, Toro gave me one, he also promised me we’d never had to struggle for money like mum and dad did. I wasn’t looking for wealth, money doesn’t buy you happiness, but I didn’t want to have to struggle for it. My father was slaving away at his job and always came home late. My mother had 2 cleaning jobs with bigger companies - so most of the times she was running the very early or late shift. This left me all alone during the day, just with the thoughts to myself. I taught myself a lot of things, mostly through tutorials on the internet.


Then along came Toro, something new, engaging, exciting with a purpose in life. But I don’t want to digress. I closed the gate in his face. I told him that he’s her Toro. Sometimes I think that people forget about my past, I have been cut, I was lying on the floor, begging to die, I know the struggle of holding a knife to your wrists…many times. But to actually go through with it you need to be desperate. Sarah was that desperate. Or maybe it’s all just her game. Maybe Joe is playing us all too. I just couldn’t stand it anymore. I love him with all my heart, but knowing he’s a Toro to someone is devastating. It may not be physical torture, it may be that he never wanted that, but the fact is: it happened. And she keeps talking to him and he keeps talking to her. It was like listening to a scene from Romeo and Juliet. Forbidden love. He might not realize it, but his heart has made his choice for him.


Don’t let me stand in your way. Go chase your untainted, pure love. I’m going to scrap up what’s left of my heart and lick my wounds, somewhere away from them all. Maybe I’ll win the fight with Raven, maybe I won’t.


Maybe Lucy destroyed everything, by wanting a loving family and happiness for once in her miserable life.



“If you leave now, you’ll always be alone”






I left.

Apr 12

It’s been a couple of days. On my own, alone. I’m struggling, but I keep myself occupied with building. I’ve gotten better already with what Joe taught me, but my gate is all crooked, oh well, hopefully it’ll keep the walkers out at least.


I can’t be alone with my thoughts, especially not with what they stirred up. When my hands were hurting too much from handling the logs and planks, I couldn’t continue working and the thoughts started. At some point it got so bad I actually went into an area where they were swarming. I was sneaking around them, taking in their grunts, moans and all the noises a walker does. Simply not to be alone. I’ve been hurt a lot too. In the evening I took off my raincoat, it was almost torn apart, and washed away the blood and stitched up the holes. It’s the first time I inspected my arms again.


I have never looked at myself as someone who could possibly be attractive to someone. And now I understand why I didn’t. The multiple scars are disturbing to say the least. But I know the story behind each and every single one of them.


My mind tells me to stop feeling sorry for myself. It doesn’t undo what was done to me and quite frankly I don’t want to be a burden for anyone. But I’ve never really dealt with all of this. The more I think about it, the more I feel like a monster for what *I* have done to people for my own amusement. I’ve never been as bad as Toro ever was to me. I’ve never really known anything but violence - until Joe. But even then violence was never far.


If Joe can survive with Sarah? Doubtful. A naïve woman who is scared of gunfire, him trying to escape his past, wanting to escape all the violence. They will alienate the people in their lives who kept them alive till now and then they’ll come across someone who we would have dealt with back then…when we were a family. And they won’t deal with them properly and get killed over some silly shit.


AGH…I should stop thinking about them and stop torturing myself with it. I wanted freedom and happiness. I got the freedom, but I sure as hell am not happy. It was certainly easier with Raven, not giving a flying fuck about anyone else and having the upper hand on situations.


But I guess I’m just hurt that apparently our time together never mattered, easily forgotten about. I was just a case.


And there she is again, Raven. Get outta my head, nobody ever liked you really. I’m done with you. I will embrace your fearlessness, fierceness but not your love for senseless violence.

Apr 19

Well, I guess that's it, more getting up and puking....I know what that means. I really only have two choices and neither of them are appealing. Be reminded forever of a man that betrayed my trust and my heart...or end it. I've done that a couple of times for the other women back in the MC. Well not done it, but helped them go to secret clinics and stay through the procedure with them.


I don't think I could do that. It's risky and...quite frankly I don't want to do it. But I can't keep going either. I'm not made for this!!! Ok, ok, relax Lucy. Calm down. You're not the first and not the last.


There are no doctors, no other nurses, not enough drugs for either of the solutions. I'm doomed. I can't tell anybody - under no circumstance. I'll figure this out later. Maybe. I need a miracle.

Apr 22

I never wanted this. After what I've gone through I swore to myself to let my line end. After I've seen what people can do to others. I never wanted anyone to suffer like I did. Yeah people thought bad of the black armbands, but what we really did was open people's eyes, be a little more cautious the next time so they would survive.

As I'm laying here, thinking back, I really can't blame him. It's probably the real reason I didn't fight. He got too close, uncomfortably close. I got scared, started chasing ghosts of my past. Not going to lie, it's tearing me apart inside. But, he needs this, he needs to be happy. I'm a lost cause. The "untainted" remark stuck a knife in my heart, such a deep cut. I realized at that moment that it was already over.


Maybe I can make things better, not for myself, but for you. I don't know who you are yet, but I sure as hell am scared as to what you are going to be to others. I'll teach you things I couldn't teach myself anymore. I'll make sure you're going to be a good human. If we make it. Promise me you'll try. Promise with all the strength you have and I'll do the same.


I'm just gonna wake up and I'll realize all of this was just a dream. *closes eyes - almost drifts off and wakes up again in horror. Looks at her hands*

Oh yeah, forgot about that...I should probably get rid of....that... and clean myself up.


Good thing James didn't look in my trunk.


Sorry pea, I'm going to call you like that from now on, I promised I'd make YOU a good human. No promises for myself.

Apr 22

2 lines, 2 bloody lines that define our fate. I'm glad James didn't ask any questions why I was taking the test with me. I doubt he actually knew what it was. Glad Emily was with me when I did the test.


"One day at a time" it is. Nobody but my family can ever know about this. There's really only two ways this can go if he ever finds out. Either eliminating the "threat" to his "new family" or becoming overprotective and focusing on making sure his heir survives. This would cut into his "new family" too. I don't want that.


And I keep hearing things from others that make me nervous. What is he so paranoid about? I know that back when we were together as a family and he got that paranoid, people died. I don't want to die. I have done nothing to him or Sarah that should even let them remotely think I am up to something. Even when I knew that Sarah was after him, I treated her with respect. I'm not standing in their way of love. Or foolishness. Whatever point of view you're taking I guess. They apparently called for medical expertise while I had my radio off, Josh answered and they didn't take his offer. Was it all just to lure me out into a trap? Not taking that bait, too obvious.


I hear from many others that he's blaming me for everything, that he's not at fault. Well, people fall outta love Joe, but it's the way you handle it that matters. I never played you. But my inner self wants to take all the blame and end everything. But I can't, not anymore. And I cannot let them find me.


Some might ask me, why did you give up on him that quickly? He wasn't the same anymore, he needed more attention. And there was someone who could give him that. And it wasn't me.


He was right to want more attention, I ... just couldn't. Too many memories flared up, alarm bells were ringing. This is the real reason I had to go on my wild goose chases for fallen comrades. But the longer I stayed away, the more I had to fight the memories. For crying out loud, I even started having phantom pain in my many cuts and burns. So much that I couldn't even get out of bed some days or function like a human being.


Everybody was so concerned about Sarah when she tried to commit suicide. Have you all forgotten what I said to the masked girl Amy? Yeah, I am "jealous" of Sarah, I guess it left more of an impression if an innocent person tried this. I'm "tainted". I've been on the ground, begging people to let me die. More than once. Cut up and beaten up by Toro.

*tears up*

I've even started my old habit of taking my own blood for reserve when I needed it most.

*chokes up at the thought*

I remember it like yesterday, Toro was such a handsome and lovable man. We were the closest lovebirds. Hugs, kisses, it was like one was attached to the other person. Then things changed, he became a sergeant at arms and turned into the animal I lived with for so many years. Instead of hugs, I'd receive beatings, often with a lead pipe or brass knuckles. Instead of a kiss, a hot iron would graze my skin. There was no more love, just hate and endless pain. It's really amazing if you think of it, how much pain a human can endure if you just continuously cause pain.


I take the combat knife out of my boots, roll up my sleeves and set the knife to my arm. My fingers tense up and the knife falls soundly to the floor. My finger tips slide over the many scars examining them.

*cries heavily now*

"I thought it was Raven that was hunting me, but it was always you, wasn't it....TORO? You just can't let go of me, you can't let anyone love me like you once did. Just like back in the days, you destroy everything good in my life, you hold me back from wanting more, you plant doubts in my head and heart."

*breathes heavily*

"But....I've got a weapon...against you now. It's growing below my heart... The day it sees the light of this world, is the day you truly die Toro..... For I will love it, and it will love me. Unbiased love. I will be the best person I can be to this human... My salvation"




"Alejandro ... or Alejandra, <saviour of mankind>. I'll be waiting for you"

*passes out all exhausted*

Apr 26

I stumbled and fell out of my watchtower on the outside of the compound and was hobbling back inside the base. As I was walking towards the entrance I caught pieces of an interesting radio conversation. I'm not stupid, I can piece some parts together and guess who was on the other end. Emily is still keeping secrets from me, or doesn't trust me.


Well, she might be right not to trust me. After all I'm keeping things from her too. Don't get me wrong, I wanted to change my ways, I wanted to tell her, but then she got involved before I could tell. You know how it is... the best laid schemes o' mice an' men, gang aft agley"


It's funny, Joe would have understood that. I sometimes miss our conversations about everything and nothing. He challenged me and sparked interest in knowing more things of this world.


*lost in memories for a moment*


And now I have to go and take two of his fingers. I wanted to save them but he feels no more sensation in them. Keeping them would be a sure death sentence. I've never done this before, but what chance does he have if we look for someone more qualified than me? I'm not a doctor, I'm not a surgeon, I'm a nurse..but we live in this world now, without all the luxuries we used to have. And the biggest luxury item we have is our health and time. And time is running out for Joe and his health will only get worse. Even if it got better for a bit now.


I guess we'll have to go with

  • anesthesize

  • bind off the two fingers with a thick thread

  • take a really sharp axe and chop them off quickly

  • Pliers to get the rest of the phalanges out down to the metacarpals

  • Cauterize, clean, stitch, provide IV

Even if he has a lot of necrotic flesh, he's still going to bleed a lot and even with all the morphine I can give him, I'm going to need someone to keep him down.


I know Emily could probably keep him down, but I don't think they should be together now. Plus it's going to be really gross. James...has been powering through the first session already. He seems like a good guy for these things anyways. Not squirmish, got all the equipment. I should probably teach him a couple of things. I might actually need both of them. Well, I'll ask, worst case scenario is that they both say no and I have to do it alone and Joe punches me in the face. I mean, he's shot me in my foot already. Twice. So I'll just take all weapons off of him and I'll be good. I can always tie him to a hospital bed and hope that this is enough to keep him down.


I'm scared to do this. Not only because it's Joe, but what if I mess it up? What if I can't stop the bleeding? What if...... I can't start with "what ifs", I'll just have to power through it with the others.

Apr 27Edited: Apr 27


He told me to go away, to not come back. I got it though, he knows it takes me a lot to come to his place. Now that his love and Jonathan are buried there it's even worse.


Where will I be buried one day? Will anybody even care?


My notes to Naomi seem to not even get looked at. I feel like Emily is further away than she ever used to be, well and just another survivor towards me now.



Guess I'll just help James one more time, check base zero for any sort of news and I'll be on my way. I don't want to be a burden for anyone..and my struggle with darkness is just continuing. And getting stronger every day. I put on my mask and the one thing that gave me a sense of security once: my armband. "I know what to do now" - that's what I also told Jonathan and Sarah at their grave. What everybody else doesn't know is that I know exactly who put the message in Joe's tent. Saw it with my own eyes. I've got a target in life now. A target that was always mine, I had simply forgotten about it.


Apr 29


Lack of sleep is a torture for your body and soul, but I’m too afraid to fall asleep. He said I need a proper bed, but I can’t...because every time I’m in a bed, I start dreaming. I thought I could totally exhaust myself with building and just fall unconscious, get some rest and not dream. But my mind is playing cruel tricks on me.

Nightmares have been tormenting me, actually only one, but it keeps repeating over and over again. After the building marathon I went into a deer stand to get some rest, was too tired to go anywhere else, woke up later, drenched, screaming. Such a familiar situation lately.


I dream of Toro, the night my horrors began, the night my heart was broken for the first time...and my soul and spirit. I was preparing dinner, hoping for another relaxing evening with my love. With a smile on my face I set the table. I heard the door and turned around to greet my man. My smile quickly faded. He was standing there, looked like he had been in a fight, blood on his face and...something in his eyes had changed. It was like another man standing in front of me, his eyes were so cold, so cruel. They looked right through me, I could feel them piercing my skin. His hand gripped tightly around his weapon.




I begged him to stop, I yelled at him to snap him out of his rage, I asked him why he was doing this to me. Toro didn’t say anything to me. He never really did anymore after this other than ordering me to do things. The beginning of the end. Guess I was… “tainted” then.




Ha, now I know why Joe’s comment hit me that hard back then. My only instinct now is fleeting, like deer, but I’m too weak to even move. My body is starting to fail me. I need to find some sleeping pills, I can’t go on like this for longer. I yell at my limbs to start working and get me moving.




I finally manage to get up, head is spinning, voices start bouncing in my head.


“good slave”


“don’t pull a Selina”

“why am I so alone?”

“finally I am free”

“lust for...blood”


I try to run away from it all, but realize at the same time that it’s all in my head, that it’ll follow me wherever I’ll go. Baby steps, need to get some rest (find some sleeping pills) and go to base zero to look for more clues. And maybe, just maybe, the ghosts of my past and my present will leave me alone. At least the ghost of my future isn’t haunting me yet, but I’m sure you’ll do that soon enough, my little bean. Yeah you’ve been officially upgraded to bean by Emily. I'm sorry I was so harsh to you Joe. Yes I came to make sure you stay alive. But do you really think I could ever admit that to you? Not here, not now. And I'm sorry I couldn't stay, but my night terrors...they start to affect my thinking. I don't want to hate men, but men are making it difficult for me. Too many patterns I see that repeat themselves and in the end innocent women like Sarah die.

I try to put my thoughts into sentences and write them down. I place the papers inside of the bible I carry on me, maybe one day you'll find them like you found Sarah's and maybe you'll understand why I do the things I do. Why I push you away. I know you want to help, make sure I am comfortable, healthy. You want to be there as a friend but also father. I shouldn't keep that from you. I am sorry Joe. I know I'm cruel to you. I will try to be better. Pinky promise.



May 1Edited: May 2

I'm so confused. Gotta focus, gotta be skeptical, like Emily and Joe both said to me. Yes, I confronted him with everything. I didn't want to be insensitive, but it kept going through my mind. My first instinct? Go North and wallow in those feelings and the doubts that came with it. But I said I would try to be better.


I don't know when the last time was we talked like that. It felt good, but also bad given the subject. I want to know more about Sarah, but I don't dare to ask. Not now at least. What was it about her? And then all my thoughts come back to the one thing, Emily said it too: "another subject to study" No, no I don't want to believe this, but maybe I'm still blind. My heart wants to be here, be cared for and loved, my head wants to be as far away as possible.


For a brief moment today, everything felt like it was before. 5 minutes of happiness and solemn joy. I needed that, but I can't be so selfish.





I'm drawn to him like a moth seeks the light, but I can't! I shouldn't. He said it himself. He also said that I'm starting to nest. And I became all motherly with Emily last night after Joe fell asleep. ARRRGHHHH. So this is it. This is how I'll die because I didn't focus on the task at hand and instead clucked like a mother hen.


OK, this can't go on like that. Tomorrow I'm leaving for the North, pay someone a visit.


May 2Edited: May 2

Talking to the dead


I am not running away this time, even if it seems like that to the outside world. It’s different though.


In our family we celebrated the dead, nowadays people know more about “el dia de los muertos”, but back then it was just something we did. Like I said, I was never as religious as my parents were, but when abuelita - my grandmother - passed away, I started partaking in more of those events. Yes, we look back on the past, but it’s also about the future. A relationship doesn’t end because someone dies, but it changes. We usually put out things that the deceased loved and we try not to be sad, but happy. They’d hate to see us sad and I’ve been too sad lately.


I used to talk to abuelita, when she was alive, she was my rock, my go-to person for any questions I had in life, whether it’d be something silly like boys or something substantial. She was a strong and independent woman, I admired her. She had an aura of wisdom, calm and happiness. She wasn’t a very loud and outgoing person, unlike the rest of my family. I took more after her. When she died, I lost a close friend, even more: someone who actually understood me completely. We were rambling about philosophical conundrums in the quiet, reading up on things and discussing them. Everyone else in the family thought we were some odd balls.

I kept talking to her even after she was gone. In the beginning I was thinking how stupid it was, nobody would answer back but after a while it became normal. She was also the reason I still endured everything with Toro. When I was sitting alone in my room, tending to my wounds, wiping off the blood, she’d be there. She said she was sorry she didn’t see this in him and warned me before all of this happened. I kept telling her that it wasn’t her fault. Nobody could have seen that. She’d console me and said that this all had a reason, that I had a reason to live ...and soon it became clear that I would take up on becoming an EMT, then paramedic. For the rest of the girls, so they wouldn't have to come up with yet another excuse. That they had someone who could take care of their physical wounds, but mostly their psychological wounds...and could really understand their pain.

But I digress. Abuelita and myself are going to visit someone else today. Someone who knows how it is to be expecting in this world. Selina. I know we didn’t see eye to eye, but maybe she’ll have some answers for me that I so desperately seek.


And then...I’ll go back and tell Joe. I didn’t tell him back then why I went on those “trips” alone. He’s a man of science and I was too afraid he would just dismiss it as hokum and look at me as if I’m going crazy. It’s not that, I know they are all dead, but these people have all affected me in one way or another and in some cases I’ve taken on traits of them. It’s my way of dealing with death. He might not understand it or maybe his relationship to Sarah also changed. We’ve both been very scientific in our discussions, telling him something like that might change his perception of me...but he needs to know. He needs to know that back then I went and talked to the masked girl Amy, that I talked to Hank and Kane. I still haven’t visited Amy’s..Rebel’s grave. Driven past it a couple of times, said a few words in my head, but you’re still with me Amy don't worry.


I can just imagine now how that’ll go. “Hey Joe, btw, I talk to the dead sometimes and that’s why I go away. Byeeee”. I don’t feel like I actually need to go to their graves, I can do that anywhere, but it gets me away from people so I can babble without anyone looking strange at me.


Sigh...Baby steps, first Selina then Joe.

I don't know anymore. He makes me very happy. It's the every day things, the small things. All I want is to hug him again, be close to him. But every time I think it's about to happen, he says or does something that pushes me away. So does Emily. They both care about me I know, but they're both being so overly protective of me. They always seem to know what's best for the baby. And me? It's not there yet, I still have to live until the bean sees this world. They fight over me a lot. I'd rather not have them fight anymore. So I took myself out of the equation. Left both of the places for the moment.

Joe knew. He kept asking questions where I knew he was hinting towards whether I was leaving for good or not. I told him I wasn't and I made sure to tell him that I had a house now. Hopefully that will calm him a bit.


Where I am now, there is calm - the occasional deer call disturbs the peace but that's it. And I am alone...with my thoughts again. But I can't go to either of the places. My heart knows what it wants, but it doesn't want to hurt Emily either. Crap.





Now I know how she felt like



I am sorry little bean and Joe. Today is the day. Time to end the monster.


Lucy puts her drawing in the bible and ties everything up with rope. Teardrops fall on the cover, she wipes them off and puts the bible in her backpack. After a while she gets up, locks the gate to her new home and makes her way to her destination.
Lucy removes the rope and adds another page to her diary


I guess we're not done yet, diary. I had tormented my mind about the outcome of my confession. His confession seemed so trivial compared to mine, at least in my mind. I was afraid of his reaction, but I didn't expect that kind of reaction. When I told him that I had written that message in Balota, I was expecting him to be angry but he was everything but angry. He let me explain everything...oh good Lord, I had run this confession through my head so many times and still messed up, I was so nervous and desperate. I think in my mind the worst he could have done was tell me to leave and never come back.


After all I think we might be able to come out stronger as a family than before. Surprising, right? Yeah, to me too. We hurt each other, but we're still sticking with each other.


I still think this will continue to baffle me for some time. I can't possibly understand how he can forgive me for what I did.


Enough of that! We went over to James' to shoot some guns. I think Joe was a bit down due to not being able to handle the big guns that well just yet. He did so well though, he needs to learn not to rush those things and get frustrated. He's doing much better than most would have, he's got such a strong will to keep going. I'm sure he'll learn how to handle the big boy guns - I wonder if we could make him some sort of hardened glove / prosthetic that could help. I'll need a mechanic...didn't Boris say he used to be a mechanic? Well, for cars, but maybe he's got some ideas too. I'll run this idea by Joseph first though, no more stuff behind his back.

Hah, it's been a while since I called him by his full name.


I love this man.

So much has happened since the last time I got to sit down and write this down. Naomi is back! Emily is mad at me and is suffering from what I can tell and apparently I'm getting married.



As I kept leaving the messages at base zero, I was always hoping that she'd return, that she'd be safe and sound. After she turned up at Joe's like that...I am torn. I remember our last encounter like it was yesterday. We tricked her with Emily to come to that little radio tower and kept her at gunpoint because we were afraid of how she would react. People thought of her as cold hearted, emotionless. I know this wasn't the case for Naomi and that she kept a mask or actually a couple of her own. But when she came back now, I was afraid for my life for the very first time with her. Joe says it has something to do with her being on her own for so long. She came back, I wanted to hug her, be happy with her, but she pointed a gun at me. She wanted to get answers...about Hank. Answers I couldn't provide her. I think this almost cost me my life hadn't Joe told her that I was pregnant. Like a leaf she turned, she even took off her helmet and helped me with my wound. She also reminded me how she used to deliver babies with me at the compound. Yes we did, but...we sometimes lost the baby or the mother...or both. But she made herself "precious" to Joe's cause at least. I don't think this was entirely selfless of her and that she has a masterplan as usual. Again, so super torn about her.


I guess that's what loss and being on your own does to you. I was on the verge of becoming like her too. I feel for her. Yes I do miss Hank, but it seems to have torn a bigger hole in her soul than I imagined. I just don't think there is anyone who could give her the answers she needs, Hank, Kane and Amy ...Rebel... are all dead and then there was only me left at the scene where it happened. She still wants to question Emily and Joe - this worries me greatly. They probably won't have the answers she's looking for and I don't know what she'll do when she realizes she's running out of people to ask....and probably will never find out the truth.


I remember how long Rebel and myself were thinking and rethinking...trying to figure out if we missed just the tiniest hint, the tiniest idea to why these things happened. And it still doesn't make sense in my head. It must be driving Naomi crazy. But she's dangerous in that state, very unpredictable.




I could tell in her voice I have hurt her so much by leaving. I always want to tell her that when I wrote this, I was leaving them both, her and Joe, to live on my own... but that things have changed since his confession. She was always standing by my side, she was my rock and so understanding. I would throw myself in front of a bullet for her, but I can tell her as often as I want, I can tell she's not really believing that anymore. I am not sure if she feels betrayed by me giving Joe more than just a chance to prove himself as a father.


I'm not trying to convince her, I'm trying to get her to listen though. She doesn't have to believe him or me, but she's not even giving it a chance. I talked about it with Joe last night, there was so much disappointment in her voice, maybe even a little giving up. I just wish she weren't alone right now, I wish Ben were there for her right now.

It hurt to hear her say that she is "not my guard dog". I never said that, I never wanted her to feel like it either. I've always considered her like my equal, my sister.

Considering her and Ben's background though, I can see how my letter must have destroyed her. I am such an idiot. I didn't want to make it seem like I'm leaving her behind, I didn't want to abandon her.


Maybe one day, we can fix this - my love and admiration for her won't change. I wish she knew and really understood how I feel about her, but I guess her wounds are too deep when it comes to trusting people. But I'm not like Joe, I won't push her to talk to me - but I'll be there for her when she does.



Well, well. He did it again. He made me the happiest woman alive, but also very speechless. Babysteps, amirite? Of course Joe jumps the gun a day later and asks me to marry him, because...Joe reasons. Why did I say yes? Because it was very unromantic, not planned ... and sincere. It was all so sudden, with all that happened around us, around him. But his confession, mine, ... it all made me realize that I was missing him more than I wanted to admit. I remember when I told Emily in the forest (with Sarah) "he's her problem now, I am out" and I said it to her with a little laugh. Inside I was dying though. But I did it all because I thought he was happier that way. And then of course my bad thoughts started again: of how it was a privilege to have been loved anyways, that I didn't deserve that anyhow, that I was forever tainted, that nobody would love such a broken and damaged person. I don't love myself, how could anyone else?


I still don't know how he does, but every day that passes, I "accept" it a little more and learn to love myself more as well. I've certainly got plenty of love for him and I'll try to make him very happy.


May 11Edited: May 11

Just because he pulled his collar up a bit ... I asked him whether he was getting sick, he was also groaning a bit, but it was all different. Turns out I scratch and hit him when I have my nightmares. I have been fighting back in them more recently, but I didn't expect them to be so vivid that I actually do this while I sleep. I can't believe he's staying with me through this. He says he usually keeps talking to me, holding me, hoping that one day I'll subconsciously hear his voice and will know that he's there. And maybe he'll fight by my side.


I really don't know how I deserve such a good man. I just wish I could make Emily see this and understand it. I know she wants to protect me, but it shouldn't be from him. She doesn't have to be best buddies with him, but it would be great if they could stop fighting.

He keeps talking about wanting to talk it out with her, I tell him to not push like he did with Sarah, but he keeps saying that he's afraid that "he won't get the chance". He also said something later about his diary and the baby, that he wanted something to be left to explain to the kid once "he's not there anymore". Is Joe afraid to die soon? This has me worried endlessly. I would protect him and Emily with my life. But I'm not sure against what? Is he ill? Is he worried Naomi might kill him? He obviously won't tell me because he doesn't want me to get in danger. But I love you Joe, there's nothing that could hold me back from trying to protect you - or Emily. If it came to a showdown between the two...I would stand right in between them, even if that got me shot.


But for other news: when Boris said he had found a compound, I didn't think it would be that big. I found it too now, it's equally massive as it is impressive. It looks like a lot of people live there judging by its size. Joe and I went back there and left a barrel with some of his vodka in it. I just hope they're not enemies. We were discussing whether it's military people or civilians or other. It's hard to tell, but I doubt they're military - maybe they use the walkers as protection, as we do with the walkers and deer actually. They're good guard dogs.


Ugh... I wish Emily would stop saying that about herself. She's not my guard dog, she's my friend, my family.

I gotta stop writing before this gets all depressing again.



found some water colors


May 12Edited: May 12


I wanna end me I wanna, I wanna, I wanna end me I wanna, I wanna, I wanna
What do you want from me? Why don't you run from me? What are you wondering? What do you know? Why aren't you scared of me? Why do you care for me? When we all fall asleep, where do we go?

I am the monster. I have always been. You say Toro is my past, but he's still with me - every day and especially every night. He preys on me, waits for me to relax, to put down my guard and then he strikes.

I didn't want you there because I don't want you to experience my night terrors. When I fall asleep, I go through my own personal hell. You brought hell to my daytime too now, Naomi.


I don't trust anyone because I don't even trust myself anymore. You said what I did to Sarah and Jonathan wasn't because of black armbands, but because of jealousy. What do you know about that anyhow? What do you know about the guilt? What does Emily even know about any of this, she doesn't even want to listen anymore.


monster jealousy end it

monster jealousy end it

monster jealousy end...


(writing stops abruptly)

May 15

I'm reading back through my ramblings and am ashamed of what I write. He gave the diary back to me, unopened.

Emily was at the compound, I tried to explain to her why I needed Joe especially now, not sure if I got through to her. It might be the hormones talking or maybe I'm just about to hit rock bottom. Sometimes I feel good, everything's great and the next moment I am so down I feel like I'm a black hole that's sucking the life out of everything. I don't want to be a burden for anyone, but I can't fight this alone anymore. I asked Joe for help. Never asked anyone for help .. I was always the one helping. But I trust him - hope that one day he'll realize how big of a step forward that was for me.


I'm not alone anymore, together we're stronger. Hopefully I won't forget about it in dark moments.

He's my rock, my lifeline.

New Posts
  • To whom it may concern Dear Diary? Dear Diary fuck me what am i doing dear fucking diary get a grip ya tool Hello Its day…………… Who knows what fucking day it is. Youre writing this because you got bored of talking to yourself then you got bored listening to yourself. Then you got bored talking and listening to yourself in your own head but for some reason you cant shake that voice inside your head. Its your own voice. I think its my voice I haven't spoken to myself in some time, I can't really remember what i sound like. Or you are talking to yourself you just forgot what it's like to talk to someone else that you don't know what you sound like. How do i know what i'm not sure i know i can really tell anymore FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK Let's hope nobody finds your “Dear Diary” you soft prick. Wouldn't want anybody thinking you have a potty mouth. You haven't seen a person in….. Months Years. Shit i dont know a very long fucking time. Well not strictly true…... lots of the dead ones. They don't speak much. Or don't I speak much. Did they talk to me and i stopped talking to them or was it the other way round. No they were the ones that didn't talk at all the ones laying on the floor…….. the walking ones they do….dont they? Theyre angry i know that much. Maybe you should try signing to yourself. Terrible singing voice…….I think. Can't remember any words just tunes. What the bloody hell was it. Dhum dhum dhum something something The bright something dhuim duhm di dum something Watch them grow….. Fuck me thats annoying. Bollocks enough tonight put that fire out and sleep…….. OOOO yes boss. Shut up dickhead get some sleep Mr “Dear Diary”
  • It's been a week or more since I had last seen a person. We were all up in that town with the summer camp. Something with "Ti" and some other letters I don't know. Our camp was finally attacked by those things and we all fled in different directions. I mean, I'm used to being alone, not like mum and dad were ever there. I ran with the backpack they told us to have at all times. So I have been looking at other summer camps that I find while walking through the towns, but haven't seen anyone. Wish I could just charge my phone somewhere. They said the military would come and save us, but only those things came. So I ran into the hospital in God knows where and then there was this strange and scary man with a million guns. He told me to put my hands up, I panicked. He sounded like he was on drugs, he was twitching, nervous and was talking about how I should have a gun because of the people, that there's bad people out there. He was looking for antibiotics but I think he was probably looking for other drugs. His name was Bob or Bill, can't remember. He said something about coming here to look for his father, then look for his mother, then meeting some Russian dude and living South. Oh yeah and that if I had a radio I could reach him on 94.6. Man, that guy was nuts, he kept trying to give me guns and just said something about optics and lining up shit. I mean, I have never really handled guns I don't even know a quarter of what he said, might as well have spoken Russian. He was warning me of people who eat other people, like, not some of those dead ones. I think he was probably on bath salts himself. He asked me if I had a radio, when I said no he became all paranoid and started running around me like a headless chicken "I don't like this, this doesn't feel alright" - yeah no shitting, tripping man. He also said something about a man living in a cabin or something. On the bright side, I'm so glad I took the can opener from the kitchen before we fled. There's still plenty of cans around, I keep finding them in houses. I should just avoid people, especially people with that many guns.
  • This is written on a couple of loose papers and stuffed in a protector case. A new chapter in my life. Aid stations, uneasy peace, subliminal beef. The quiet before the storm? I've been keeping myself busy, not sure where Joe is half of the time. I don't know where anyone is tbh. Payback's a b*tch. But at least there's some decent people around, the brits and Jason, a new survivor. Well at least he seems decent. Wonder how Ricky and everyone else is doing. Trader base has been ransacked, I'm guessing Woody and Tony. As quickly as someone can enter your life, they're out of it again, with no trace left. Guess that's the world we live in now.
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